if you listen to it while reading this, it'll make me seem cooler.
well it happened. two months and eight days ago. sorry for lagging, blogspot. whatever.
on april 2nd, my mother left this world for something much better. which is what i want to believe. it's just impossible to believe something that promises so much but then fails to come through with the promise. but it gives me comfort knowing my mom believed it with all of her heart.
ever since, it's been weird in my house. not in a bad way at all. just,
oddly comforting.
like, the knowledge of her no longer having to suffer is a weight off the shoulders of my family and me. don't get me wrong, we all miss her enormously. there's a definite void. but overall, we've definitely grown together. i can't really explain, nor do i want to. but if you see me anywhere, please don't ask if there's anything you can do to help. just talk to me.
a good conversation's worth more than artificial sympathy.
on another note, i've noticed that i'm starting to wake up earlier in the mornings, which is both a blessing and curse. a curse, because i like to sleep. but a blessing, because i feel like i get to watch the world wake up.
sitting outside watching the dark turn to light is just a calming experience. no other way to really describe it.
and by the way, i don't even know why i post on this shit.
its been a while since i blogged. can't say i've missed it too much. fuck it.
i was looking at this optical illusion on an advertisement on some website and if you look at it straight on it's an old women. the thing on the side said "do you see an old woman? a young woman? or both?" and i'm not quoting that verbatim but whatever. anyways, i was looking at this freakin picture for like 20 minutes (no lie) and couldn't see the young woman, but then i finally looked at the stupid fucking picture upside down, and sure enough, there was the young woman.
and it got me thinking (sorry if i sound like a douchebag, its just that stupid, insignificant shit like that makes think. not sure why, but i digress)
sometimes you spend so much time looking at one thing and trying to see both sides of it like doing that will solve all your problems or something like that. but then all you have to do is mentally flip the thing over and see it from the side it's not supposed to be seen from.
after all, our eyes see things upside in the first place, its just our brains that misconstrue the image.
the whole "i'm not gay" shpeel is just a prologue to his realness (which starts at the word "Further")
“I hate to disappoint and take away the entertainment of it all but I am straight, not gay. It’s disheartening to know such news on someone’s personal life can be portrayed as fact with no viable source. This, to me, is an opportunity to expose our vulnerability to lies and manipulation through unprofessional and irresponsible news outlets, in which people consider TRUTH. Further, someone’s sexual orientation should NEVER be big news, as it delivers a troubling message to children that they can’t be themselves without fear of judgement. Race, creed, and sexual persuasion should not just be tolerated but understood and accepted. It’s extremely disappointing that this topic would be used with the intention of being hurtful. We are near 2010….2010!! Yet race, sex and religion still play a major role in a hate-driven society.For the love of the future and humanity….let’s wake up.”
"Hey. You don't know me but while I was perusing the wall of the "I don't care how comfortable crocs are, you look like a dumbass" facebook page, I clicked your name from the 1million+ fans. I thought you were an old friend of mine and clicked the blog to discover that you are not in fact that friend.
However, interestingly enough, we are/were going through very similar shit, and I see a great deal of myself/thoughts in you. At least the me a year or two ago. I was very depressed and a substantial portion of that was due to circumstances out of my control.
All I can tell you as a fairly objective observer is that I genuinely sympathize with you and your situation, your thoughts, and pessimistic outlook on things at the moment. I wish you and your mom the best and urge you to do whatever you can to try to look at things more positively and enjoy every second with your mom and everyone you interact with for that matter.
I've surrounded myself with the people I love, with the things I love to do, and changed my outlook on life. I've by no means got life figured out, but I can safely say that I am immensely happier than I was a few years ago. Life can be very very difficult and unfair, but all you can do is live for the moments when it seems beautiful.
Hang in there, J"
and i must say, i am sincerely thankful for whoever posted that.
i can honestly say that this anonymous suggestion has helped more than any of the "i'm sorry for you, if you need me i'm here for you, blah blah blah" things that most people try to do or say.
and i think despite the bullshit going on right now, its possible to be a little more optimistic.
it goes, and i'm paraphrasing, "there's a little kid who lives with his mom and dad and one day he wakes up after having a dream that included a raven cawing 'your dad's gonna die!' repeatedly. the kid told his dad, and the dad didn't believe so he went off to work. when he came back he looked completely worried, as if his death could come any second. the mom walks out and says 'honey, this morning after you left, the milkman dropped dead on the porch!'"
that's kind of a metaphor for how life can be. you sit and worry and expect this horrible thing to happen but then sometimes, it just narrowly misses you.
My computers being homosexual, yes i know a cyber thing going homo sexual how odd... my chihuahuas hump each other. there homo sexual this kid know named tyler smith that used to be a dude but not has a girl hair style and dyed his hair pink and wears shirts that his belly button show, and tells every one how he takes it in the mouth but and how hes been tea bagged (if u dont know what that means, then dont ask ^_^) well. my computer likes men. im surprised it didnt dye its cyber sh!t pink. *sigh* my parents are pissed at me cause im slacking off for the second trimester and stuff so thats not cool.
ok ok, its all because of that damn drug im taking called " Counter strike" i cant stop playing it. its SO FreakIn Kewl! i love that game!! i can play on it for 10 hours straight! I met a friend of mine Sotero. hes cool hes supposed to come to my house from LA to lan (<- dont ask if u dont know ^_^) i really hope hes not a kid butt raping molester. im having my doubts that my parents will let him. just think about it some freaky haired- dood walking into my house fomr LA lol, i dunno. Hes like a good friend now. I love screwing with his nerdy computer head though like tell him im sending him a virus or telling him ^ A CERTAIN SOMONE ^ doesnt like him any more and hahah <3 fun stuff
Any way gotta get back to my little essay on "Why Sherlock Holmes is the Hero in the Speckled band story." thingy
~Marcus^Squeaky*
taken from marcus martinez's xanga. i think it's like beautiful poetry.
and marcus if you read this, why do you think i'm an asshole haha i never do anything even remotely assholey
And it takes more time than I've ever had, Drains the life from me, makes me want to forget. As young as I was, I felt older back then, More disciplined, stronger and certain. But I was scared to death of eternity, I was saved by grace but destroyed by naivety. And I lied to myself and said it was for the best.
And now faith is replaced with a logic so cold, I've disregarded what I was now that I'm older. And I know much more than I did back then, But the more I learn the more I can't understand. And I've become content with this life that I lead Where I drink too much and don't believe in much of anything And I lie to myself, and say it's for the best
We're moving forward but holding ourselves back and we're waiting on something that'll never come
first off, fuck it. it being cancer. -it has single handedly helped me to doubt my faith, cause if god is so omnipotent then why the fuck won't he just heal my mom, or at least ease her pain? people have come and prayed over her and all of that stuff but nothing seems to work. thanks god. -it has brought my family closer, but for the wrong reasons. possibility of imminent death shouldn't be what brings family closer, life is what should bring families together. -it has inspired people to send sympathy cards and money and what have you, but to them (and to me prior to this) it's always just "oh wow, that's terrible, but that'll never happen to me or my family." but if and when it does happen to yours, i'll be able to legitimately sympathize with you. -it has struck fear into my entire household. fear of death, fear of pain, fear of loneliness, etc.
it used to be a lot simpler. it feels weird to say i miss high school, but in some ways it's true. i used to be able to walk through the halls and see all of my friends, i used to not care if i saw people hanging out without me cause i knew i'd just see them again in like a day, high school gave me something to do every day. if i could go back to senior year i would do it in a second. i interacted with people i haven't seen since, but would really like to. looking even further back, junior high was probably easier than any other era of my life. homework was simple, classes were simple, schedules were simple, teachers were helpful, lunch was simple, and more than anything relationships were simple. i hate to digress to the relationship tangent, but now that i'm on it, i might as well elaborate. i miss the simplicity of relationships where all you did was hold hands for a while and build up to a kiss on the mouth. but now everything's complex and difficult and i don't like it. everybody beats around the bush. nobody says what's on their mind or what's on their heart and it fucking sucks knowing that regardless of how much i try, someone will always win the girl over more than i could.
in conclusion, woody allen summed up my feeling on relationships and life perfectly in these two quotes:
"this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken.' And the doctor says, 'Well, why don't you turn him in?' The guy says, 'I would, but I need the eggs.' Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs."
"There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, 'Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.' The other one says, 'Yeah, I know; and such small portions.' Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly."
take those into mind. and if you have the time, watch woody allen's movie annie hall. it's probably one of the best movie's ever made.
well, fuck it. i've given into the blogging scene. whatever.
i have come to terms with the fact that: -life hands you shit more than it does lemons -i need to become more realistic -a sense of humor can only get you so far in life -bad things, despite popular belief, can happen to good people -music will forever be the only place i find comfort -i have no idea what i want to do with my life -i should probably lower my standards (not just with girls, but everything) -money can buy (at least temporary) happiness -no matter how good you think you are, there's probably someone better -there are only a certain few people who i truly trust -life isn't perfect.
if you're reading this, and feeling slightly disturbed at the cynicism of it, that's understandable, but it's mostly realistic.
maybe positivity will come in future blogs, but we'll see.
i'm matt sturgis. i sweat. i mess up a lot. i try to be funny because i'm insecure of myself. i'm unemployed and i live with my dad. i've recently began blogging just to get some things off my chest. apologies if any of it offends you.
